I've been quiet for way too long, and that isn't just on my blogs, I've been quiet in my spirit as well. These last two years have been, to say the least, scary as I have been through depression and back trying to figure out what it is I am supposed to do with my life. Ever since I left my high-paying corporate job, I have realized I don't know who I am, or what I'm supposed to do. I am no longer an expert in my field.
Since then, I've been trying to find what it is I want to do when I grow up. I've started my own business, I've done home party sales, and have even become a fitness coach. All I "need" to do is bring in a little extra income each month. That's been my goal all along, makin' a little income. And other than a seasonal party sales position I took right after I left my company, I've made nearly nothing in all my endeavors. Less than nothing if you count what I've spent to get started in these endeavors.
One of the sermons that came out of our church recently "nailed" me right between the eyes. Pastor said "God opposes our plans when: our initiatives are not from the Lord, our building is not for the Lord, and the glory is not to the Lord." He went on to say "we are most fulfilled when we work to make God famous. Therefore, everything we do must be God directed, God devoted and God dependent."
That very next day I got real with God and prayed. "OK God, it's obvious what I've been trying to do isn't working. So I'm listening. What do YOU want me to do?" I immediately heard this one solitary word. "Write".
Right then I realized what I am meant to do. I've heard it before from God, from my friends and from my husband, but I've always said, "But writing doesn't pay." If I'm getting real here, my real thoughts were also; "to write well means getting real. And getting real means being vulnerable. I don't like being vulnerable. What if people don't like me? Who am I writing to? Who am I to write anything that anyone would want to read?"
Psalms 127:1 says "Unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labor in vain." I've been building my own house for too many years with no skills! Oh, there have been times I've contracted portions out to God, and He did a FABULOUS job, but I always step in and take over once things start looking good. I've wasted too much time and resources trying to build my own version of God's plan for my life.
What have I done in the time since I heard that small, still (but very loud) voice?
Everyday, I hear it... "WRITE". And everyday I've ignored it.
All my insecurities are resurfacing. "I have nothing to say." WRITE. "How can I make money writing?" WRITE. "No one will read anything I write." WRITE. "I am dry inside." WRITE!
What do you think I should do?
Me too. So,.... I'm writing.