So many of us go through life not even noticing what we are doing. We don't realize what is going on around us, or the affect we have on others. We just "do" life. We wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch some TV then go to bed, just to wake up and do it all over again the next day. We count the days until the weekend when we can sleep in for one or two days, socialize with friends or catch up on chores or just "chill". Then Monday rolls around again and the routine of the week begins again.
This was my situation over four years ago. I was in a job I didn't care for, but it paid good money and allowed us to look forward to the weekends so that we could relax and enjoy the "things" we had. But one day in March of 2009, a phone call changed the way I looked at life. "The results of your biopsy shows that you have breast cancer......." I don't remember much more of what the nurse was telling me. Something about meeting with a surgeon to discuss my options....
What I didn't realize then was that some of God’s greatest gifts are “wrapped in unlikely packages."
What took place after that call was a whirlwind of activity that I felt I had no control over. Dr's and nurses told me what I was doing next, giving me "choices" as if I really had any in my limited understanding of what was going on. Recommendations of surgery, chemotherapy and radiation followed by years of follow up appointments and medications left me feeling dizzy.
It was during my chemotherapy that I was forced to be still. I took medical leave from work as the "best way" to recover from each chemo session. At times I was so weak I could barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom. It was during these months that I had time, forced time, to think about where I was in life. I can't say I feared death. I never really thought I would die, but it certainly crossed my mind. I wondered how my family would get along without me. I wondered if I ever made a difference in any one's life and if I fulfilled even some of God's plan for my life.
In between chemo sessions I would gain some strength back, but not enough to do much physically. It was during these long months that I picked up my bible again for more than just following along with the pastor on Sunday mornings. I began to pray again too. Not for me, surprisingly, but for others. I began to listen with a sensitive ear to what others were telling me and praying for their needs. It was during this time that I began to realize God had something for me still.
Before radiation treatments began, I went back to work. It was an odd sensation. I had been home for several months, forced to be still and being able to draw closer to God during this time. Once I went back to work I felt a sense of futility. I realized how short a time we have here on earth and how much time we waste it doing..... nothing. Nothing to serve God, nothing to help others. Not even things we enjoy ourselves. We do what we get comfortable doing, counting down the days to the weekend.
It wasn't until my life was interrupted that I realized that life is too short to just exist. I want to make a difference here on earth. I want to touch someone else's life. I want to say yes to God. I want to take delight in walking where God ordains my steps. A routine but profitable job is very comfortable, but very boring. For years I longed for a change but was afraid to make any changes. always making excuses for why I couldn't quit my job, why I couldn't do this, or do that. But when my life was interrupted I realized that walking with God was what my soul was designed for.
It's been over a year since I quit my job. I still don't know what it is that God is calling me to do, but I can be assured of the outcome, because it is in God's hands. I am realizing that I need to stop saying I can't and begin saying I will. Yes God, I will.